Monday, November 19, 2007

"Mountain Stream" on "Hyde Street"


or: Who Painted these Paintings?

My father died in 1993. My mother in 1997. I have many of the things they acquired as I grew up. I have things that have traveled our history. Things that seem to hold the history. Things that get in the way of my life and yet they are amazingly difficult to toss. Where do you toss history while lives are fading?

But their passing has gone into another stage with me. Personally, inside of myself, I call it decade grief. It is when you are sad because you are not sad anymore. Decade grief.

And to celebrate this stage called decade grief I began tossing things. Some things. Other things, the items that made my eyes happy I have a place for. They do not get in the way of my living. They celebrate life with me as they capture the sunlight as it moves through my home. They help tell me what time it is and give evidence to the earth moving around the sun as the light shifts.

Things. Time. History remembered. History evaporating. And then there are the paintings.
Four of them. The largest called Mountain Stream is the one my dad brought home first. In 1966. I was 14. I remember it as if I were younger. I would guess I was 10 but due to the date on the back of the painting, I was 14. Knowing that my memory is scewed there are the facts.
My father paid $300 for the painting. It is large. My mother was upset that he paid so much for it. I imagine it was about 2.5 times their mortgage payment. And in their conversation about the painting, its apparently surprising arrival, it's price and its possible future locations I heard and remembered some information about the artist.

My father said it was an unusual painting. The artist used a knife to paint. I imagined a switch blade. My father had a shoe box full of switch blade knives. I could see how they might be handy for a sudden urge to paint.

My father said the artist was living in his partners garage because he had no other place to live right now. I recall that my father might have said he was a junkie. I recall that my father and his partner had found this guy to be 'a nice guy' or something redeeming. Apparently not a go to jail sort of junkie but a collect him up and put him in the garage junkie.

I can not exactly remember my dad's partners name. He called him Trig. Trigamome? What was his full name? I am not sure. I do know Trig also raised poodles. I just recently in my remembering put these two things together creating a picture of a man and some poodles living in a garage under one of those many two story houses in San Francisco. Most are very big garages. Some had enough area for a room downstairs, a car, washer and dryer and a small herd of poodles. You could collect an artist into a home like that.

So now that I am in the stage of being sad that I am no longer sad about their deaths I decided to see what these paintings were worth. I look at the signature. It is hard to read.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Thinking about what can be retrieved or.... Where We Did Not look for the Pearls

This is my story about recovery which is different than wellness.

15 years ago my son was hit by a truck. He is now very ok and happy and has a wonderful wife and baby and races VW's. His life is full. That whole situation was a life changing event for me. He had 27 operations on his legs. Legs that now work fine. But during that time I learned the meaning of the word Recovery.

Recovery is what you can gather up.

Once my grandmother broke a sting of pearls in our kitchen. We never found all of them. We recovered a great many and put them back together but not every single one was retrieved. It was suggested at the time that the dog ate a few of them. No one was willing to look and see if the dog might return a few in some magical dog returning way. So we recovered what we could, what we were willing to and she restrung what was gathered.

So wellness is what you can gather, what is available. It is a direction to walk in. It is an art, a personal unique art form. Sometimes we are just in a miracle we can not see. ( If that is too Pollyanna for you, I deny saying it. I can not prove it, I do not always live it. It just came out while I was writing)

My son, Christopher, now says, if being hit is what brought him to the life he has now it was worth it. I sometimes bring up that time with him, telling him I learned so much from it and checking with him that I am not taking his cost, his story and just running with it. He says there is more than enough experience there to share. Not to worry.

I really only know about these things from my own experience. I do not really know about them from the experience of others. We managed to escape. Or at least that is how we look at it.

I have a cousin who used to drink. Alot. She was an alcoholic. But one night, she says, the Virgin Mary appeared to her and told her that she was taking away her disease. And so my cousin never drank again. But she says this experience gave her no understanding of going through recovery. She was just released from her addiction to alcohol. She escaped.

Friday, January 5, 2007

Giving what we care about a little push toward fulfillment


Someone, someone who I was talking to about the satisfaction of donating sent me $150.00 to donate. As Queen I am pleased. I had watched Mr. Warren give to Mr. Gates because Mr. Warren felt that Mr. Gates was doing an expert job with his attention to the placement of his monies. I feel very validated by this gesture. Energized.

Donating is part of conversation. Like punctuation it put emphasis on certain thoughts. A little money is like a little bold font. It brings attention. Attention is energy.

I believe it is said that prayer without action is dead. I am not sure. I am not a precise quoter of the Bible. But it seems like a statement with some worth to me. If you hope for something, if you pray for it, ask your God for it, even just think about it when you breathe out, where is the action beyond the hope? How is it that you give the desire a little push from the shore to begin its journey to fulfillment?

So now, as Queen I have $150.00 extra dollars to put some attention on a conversation. I am. for now going to sit quiet with it. I am going to see what conversation calls to me. I am just going to do nothing right now.

When I decide. My decision will ride out from me and it will land somewhere. And when is lands it will change the world in the smallest way. And that is more than enough for this Queen.

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

What a Decision Looks Like As It Travels Outside of the Queendom


Decisions we make begin within us and travel out.
Here is a picture taken with a decision sensitive camera.

The Reason I am Queen

The reason that I am Queen has to do with being responsible.

As Queen I have my own personal government. In my small Queendom I make policy.

I oversee the use of electrical power, the attitude toward plastics and cycling and recycling.

Having my own government and caring about education I have to make decisions about what is my part to do. The story of what happened with that I could maybe tell later.

As Queen I can not just wish that someone would do something.

Being Queen I know it is me who must decide exactly what can be done from within this little Queendom.

I write this blog to remind me. And maybe to inspire. For if you were to realize that you make decisions that matter deeply within your doors, and have affect outside of them, then you would know that you are Queen or King too. Somehow we think that we are not. But we are.

I am.

I am Queen of a small land.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Letter to the Editor... bla bla bla

Today I sent a letter to the editor. I have given this letter much thought. I want to be for something. I want to know what I am wanting and not live in resistance to what I do not want.

I sent it off as an action to a constant prayer.... I want to live in a noble country. I just do. It is my preference. When Unhoyle becomes noble I will leave North Hypothetical and return.

To tell the truth, my letter bores me a bit. It says Pearl Harbor had seven investigations ordered by the president and we have hardly one piece of fiction. It has in it the tone of bla bla bla. I invite you to not read it if you want.

Note to Queen Self: Learn or at least attempt to write letters that are not bla bla bla. Zippy little letters, like commercials, or poems, or the writing on the wall.... anything except bla bla.

This is my letter:
Remembering Pearl Harbor and Wondering about 9-11

On Dec 7, 1941 the Navy of the United States was attacked. On that very day the President of the United States ordered the first report, The Knox Investigation. This is followed by a commission report with the sub title, ‘Report of the commission appointed by the President of the United States to Investigate and report the facts relating to the attack made by the Japanese Armed Forces upon Pearl Harbor in the territory of Hawaii on December, 7th, 1941. There was then The Roberts Commission, the Hart Investigation, The Army Pearl Harbor Board, The Navy Court of Inquiry, The Clarke Investigation, The Hewitt Inquiry and The Joint Congressional Committee in 1946. Seven official investigations and inquiries were ordered by the President over five years.

After 9-11 the grief stricken families had to petition and pressure the president to investigate an attack on American soil.

Do you remember the presidents attitude?
(CBS) President Bush took a few minutes during his trip to Europe Thursday to voice his opposition to establishing a special commission to probe how the government dealt with terror warnings before Sept. 11.
(CNN) -- President Bush personally asked Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle Tuesday to limit the congressional investigation into the events of September 11, congressional and White House sources told CNN.
(CNN) Kissinger's appointment was criticized by some who said he was too close to powerful national and international figures to be independent. In an editorial published November 29, The New York Times suggested the White House chose him "to contain an investigation it has long opposed."

We can not afford to forget Pearl Harbor or the manner in which it was investigated. Seven official reports over five years ordered by the president.

We were a country with the courage to investigate, we were seen as victorious in World War II. We were.

Today we are not presented with answers to our questions and in the opinion of the Baker Report (and over 60% of the American people) we are in a war that holds no victory for us.

We need to remember Pearl Harbor. We need to remember the seven reports our president ordered during those days and continue to ask our current president to do the same.
It takes emotional courage to remember and to continue to seek answers.
To not seek, to not ask, is to forget.

Saturday, December 9, 2006

A Little Sudden Sadness

North Hypothetical is situated off the ground. One story up. Above the reality of some other people.

This morning two little girls were getting dropped off to spend their 50% time with their dad, a citizen of the downstairs realm. The Queen likes these girls. They come up and touch the Queens things and worry the Queens dogs. They eat an apple or watch a movie and ask questions the Queen never thought of.

Maggie who is three now has the most amazing blue eyes. When the Queen has had too serious of a day or forgotten something with no name Maggie's little eyes makes the Queen feel better.

This morning the Queen woke up to sharp dagger words from the mom thrown at the dad. And the dad said something back that was not, "Let's talk about this later." And so the mom said more dissatisfaction with the word 'asshole' tucked in there. And the dad said something back that was not, "Let's talk about this later". And Maggie started to cry. She cried loud.

Maggie, as usual was right.

The Queen was not awake and yet was suddenly dressed and out the door. The Queen went to the front yard and picked up the children's things that had gotten thrown around. The dad is on crutches and can not maneuver so well. He had Maggie in his arms. The mother drove away because sometimes when you realize someone else is there unwise behavior becomes embarrassing.

The Queen put the children's things in the hallway. The dad and Maggie came in, the older sister was in her room touching her things and the dad said, "We are going to get a Christmas tree today."

***** The Queen may have failed at minding her own business. She came upstairs and sat on the couch and thought about summer when the girls played in their swimming pool and all the happy sounds came up. The Queen fixed herself some coffee. And then wrote this and wondered, "Why am I writing in the third person?"