Monday, November 19, 2007

"Mountain Stream" on "Hyde Street"


or: Who Painted these Paintings?

My father died in 1993. My mother in 1997. I have many of the things they acquired as I grew up. I have things that have traveled our history. Things that seem to hold the history. Things that get in the way of my life and yet they are amazingly difficult to toss. Where do you toss history while lives are fading?

But their passing has gone into another stage with me. Personally, inside of myself, I call it decade grief. It is when you are sad because you are not sad anymore. Decade grief.

And to celebrate this stage called decade grief I began tossing things. Some things. Other things, the items that made my eyes happy I have a place for. They do not get in the way of my living. They celebrate life with me as they capture the sunlight as it moves through my home. They help tell me what time it is and give evidence to the earth moving around the sun as the light shifts.

Things. Time. History remembered. History evaporating. And then there are the paintings.
Four of them. The largest called Mountain Stream is the one my dad brought home first. In 1966. I was 14. I remember it as if I were younger. I would guess I was 10 but due to the date on the back of the painting, I was 14. Knowing that my memory is scewed there are the facts.
My father paid $300 for the painting. It is large. My mother was upset that he paid so much for it. I imagine it was about 2.5 times their mortgage payment. And in their conversation about the painting, its apparently surprising arrival, it's price and its possible future locations I heard and remembered some information about the artist.

My father said it was an unusual painting. The artist used a knife to paint. I imagined a switch blade. My father had a shoe box full of switch blade knives. I could see how they might be handy for a sudden urge to paint.

My father said the artist was living in his partners garage because he had no other place to live right now. I recall that my father might have said he was a junkie. I recall that my father and his partner had found this guy to be 'a nice guy' or something redeeming. Apparently not a go to jail sort of junkie but a collect him up and put him in the garage junkie.

I can not exactly remember my dad's partners name. He called him Trig. Trigamome? What was his full name? I am not sure. I do know Trig also raised poodles. I just recently in my remembering put these two things together creating a picture of a man and some poodles living in a garage under one of those many two story houses in San Francisco. Most are very big garages. Some had enough area for a room downstairs, a car, washer and dryer and a small herd of poodles. You could collect an artist into a home like that.

So now that I am in the stage of being sad that I am no longer sad about their deaths I decided to see what these paintings were worth. I look at the signature. It is hard to read.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Thinking about what can be retrieved or.... Where We Did Not look for the Pearls

This is my story about recovery which is different than wellness.

15 years ago my son was hit by a truck. He is now very ok and happy and has a wonderful wife and baby and races VW's. His life is full. That whole situation was a life changing event for me. He had 27 operations on his legs. Legs that now work fine. But during that time I learned the meaning of the word Recovery.

Recovery is what you can gather up.

Once my grandmother broke a sting of pearls in our kitchen. We never found all of them. We recovered a great many and put them back together but not every single one was retrieved. It was suggested at the time that the dog ate a few of them. No one was willing to look and see if the dog might return a few in some magical dog returning way. So we recovered what we could, what we were willing to and she restrung what was gathered.

So wellness is what you can gather, what is available. It is a direction to walk in. It is an art, a personal unique art form. Sometimes we are just in a miracle we can not see. ( If that is too Pollyanna for you, I deny saying it. I can not prove it, I do not always live it. It just came out while I was writing)

My son, Christopher, now says, if being hit is what brought him to the life he has now it was worth it. I sometimes bring up that time with him, telling him I learned so much from it and checking with him that I am not taking his cost, his story and just running with it. He says there is more than enough experience there to share. Not to worry.

I really only know about these things from my own experience. I do not really know about them from the experience of others. We managed to escape. Or at least that is how we look at it.

I have a cousin who used to drink. Alot. She was an alcoholic. But one night, she says, the Virgin Mary appeared to her and told her that she was taking away her disease. And so my cousin never drank again. But she says this experience gave her no understanding of going through recovery. She was just released from her addiction to alcohol. She escaped.

Friday, January 5, 2007

Giving what we care about a little push toward fulfillment


Someone, someone who I was talking to about the satisfaction of donating sent me $150.00 to donate. As Queen I am pleased. I had watched Mr. Warren give to Mr. Gates because Mr. Warren felt that Mr. Gates was doing an expert job with his attention to the placement of his monies. I feel very validated by this gesture. Energized.

Donating is part of conversation. Like punctuation it put emphasis on certain thoughts. A little money is like a little bold font. It brings attention. Attention is energy.

I believe it is said that prayer without action is dead. I am not sure. I am not a precise quoter of the Bible. But it seems like a statement with some worth to me. If you hope for something, if you pray for it, ask your God for it, even just think about it when you breathe out, where is the action beyond the hope? How is it that you give the desire a little push from the shore to begin its journey to fulfillment?

So now, as Queen I have $150.00 extra dollars to put some attention on a conversation. I am. for now going to sit quiet with it. I am going to see what conversation calls to me. I am just going to do nothing right now.

When I decide. My decision will ride out from me and it will land somewhere. And when is lands it will change the world in the smallest way. And that is more than enough for this Queen.

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

What a Decision Looks Like As It Travels Outside of the Queendom


Decisions we make begin within us and travel out.
Here is a picture taken with a decision sensitive camera.

The Reason I am Queen

The reason that I am Queen has to do with being responsible.

As Queen I have my own personal government. In my small Queendom I make policy.

I oversee the use of electrical power, the attitude toward plastics and cycling and recycling.

Having my own government and caring about education I have to make decisions about what is my part to do. The story of what happened with that I could maybe tell later.

As Queen I can not just wish that someone would do something.

Being Queen I know it is me who must decide exactly what can be done from within this little Queendom.

I write this blog to remind me. And maybe to inspire. For if you were to realize that you make decisions that matter deeply within your doors, and have affect outside of them, then you would know that you are Queen or King too. Somehow we think that we are not. But we are.

I am.

I am Queen of a small land.